It's been three years since, I left my abusive situation with my three-year-old son. It's hard to know where to start writing this down. I received great advice recently - Start from today. I want my readers (hopefully I'll get readers) to know, that over the last three and a half years, the lesson I learned loud and clear is:
When God speaks....Listen!
I want to start with the ultimate lesson:
All things are possible through God.
When I surrendered my will for His will, I found rest, I found peace, I found shelter, I found and live my life more abundently.
To give you an idea of my physical and mental state three+ years ago: I was a shell of a person. I walked around on eggshells trying to appease my husband, I feared upsetting him and enduring his wrath. I went from believing I could achieve anything I worked towards in life, to "I can’t leave him" because of any number of reasons employed by the abuser’s playbook. I had been psychologically, financially, and then finally physically tortured that last month. After almost a decade, it ended one evening when I realized it was never going to stop, as he explained his plan to traffick me and turn my son against me. I heard God's voice that evening - He said "Run. Run Now!" I ran without question. I took nothing but my purse and grabbed my shoes and ran barefoot out the front door without a plan.
Today, as I look back at that unrecognizable person, I realize how far I've come and how much I've achieved by God's grace and mercy. I want to share that knowledge with you in hopes that it gives you the courage to make positive changes in your life and put an end to generational traumas and curses. The silver lining around the world’s shutdown in 2020 and 2021, it gave me a lot of space and time to do the work and focus on healing.
I vowed my son would grow to be a man that would seek out healthy relationships, not toxic relationships modeled after his parent’s. The cycle of abuse stops with me! This is what I understand to be true….
My son's health and wellbeing are in my hands. I carry his body, mind, and spirit forward onto a new path with the goal of mindfully raising a good man, a God fearing man, who understands what it means to love and be loved. I am raising a child who will trust his inner spirit (the Holy Spirit), his voice, be able to identify wickedness, manipulation, end toxic relationships, and have the tools to successfully navigate and live in this world without following the ways of this world.
Today
Today, I know my worth as a child of God. I make choices with God at the center.
I was rebellious, prideful, and cherry-picking in my obedience to God. I was a lukewarm Christian. I sought external validation and had become full of the world.
I am teaching my son - we cannot serve 2 masters - choose this day who you will serve.
You, and you alone, make choices everyday who you allow into your heart and home either through obedience to the Word or through willful rebellion. Is it My Will Be Done or Thy Will Be Done? Our society is obsessed with My Will Be Done - THE GREAT LIE!
This lie is at the heart of our corrupted culture.
It has taken time and a humble spirit to recover.
I'm learning to make decisions that align with God's purpose for me. Our culture tells us trust our heart, scripture tells us not to lean on our own understanding. When I surrendered my will to His, when I softened my neck and heart, I found what I had been looking for - I found peace from my anxiety and my fears. That old corrupted foundation had to be destroyed and rebuilt on truth. I had to take accountability for my decisions and actions through true repentance.
I have reclaimed the power I gave away so carelessly. I have shut those doors and prayed for deliverance from the strongholds that chained me.
I may have been victimized, but I am not a victim
I intend to learn this lesson and never repeat it
Today, I create healthy boundaries with friends and family.
I have rediscovered my true authentic voice in Christ and I work hard to create a safe environment to encourage Max to use his voice. I hold space for his thoughts and feelings. Holding space means, I am present to his emotional state, without judgment or the need to fix or control the outcome. So much harder than is sounds. I hold space and allow him to feel his feelings. It's ok to respectfully question my authority. It’s not only ok but encouraged to challenge popular belief systems and to employ critical thinking aka discernment.
Today, I live courageously despite fear.
We openly discuss our fears, me included. It’s important to know where to draw our strength from when we are afraid. I don’t minimize the fear or dismiss it, we tackle it head on together. We discuss the root cause of the spirit of fear and how to combat it.
Today, I am honest.
I’ve learned how to recognize when I’m being triggered or manipulated. I’m teaching Max about lies and manipulation – we have a No Lies Policy.
If I want him to be honest, I must be honest. I'm working to ensure a safe space for his honesty.
Today, I am a better parent because of the compassion I’m learning.
I’m learning to listen, trust my intuition, and question if my pride is interfering. I seek answers through prayer, and no longer look for external validation. I find it very hard to hold my tongue and reserve judgment - my impulse has been to react swiftly and emotionally. This has been a steep learning curve for me.
You have been assigned this mountain so that you can show others it can be moved.” Mel Robbins.
It took me 3 years of diligent work to get to this place. My path has not been a straight line. *At first I fell into New Age type thinking. I have since come back to edit out all references of the elevation of self, and that I did this alone - (in this post) for it was not through my works that healing has occurred. God's grace and mercy allowed me the eyes to see and the ears to hear the truth. He and He alone can mend the broken heart.
Today, the path before me is filled with faith, light, and hope. I’m on fire just thinking of everything I can give back.
Through this blogging journey, I hope documenting my recovery and approach to parenting Max, will help others.
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